Over 10 blog drafts have filled this page in the past 11 months. Each one searching for the encouraging words to give, the lessons I've learned and most importantly the truth. I kept chalking it up to not having the right words to say, or not having the time or being in the "mood" to blog. Honestly though, I wasn't ready to share my truth. But now 11 months later I finally feel I'm ready. So here goes. If I had to choose a word for the last 11 months it would be "repurpose". repurpose (v.) adapt for use in a different purpose I can look at that definition and immediately pull out the word I don't like to hear. Adapting isn't something that has ever come easy, its a constant struggle between my human response and God's plan. Choosing to follow what God in the past year since leaving Brisbane, Australia had never seemed to come easy. Close relationships suffered, I let countless people down and none of my plans made sense. Honestly, I was heartbroken to leave a place and people I had come to love so much. And every time I took a step into something I believed God had for me a door seemed to close. Despite my years in missions and even more years developing a relationship with the Lord and knowing He is good and worthy of being trusted I slowly started to shut myself off to Him. I was confused and angry and questioned His plans because, well to me they just seemed to always end with tears of frustration for many different reasons and circumstances that strained a lot of the foundations I felt I had been building up in my life. I was left with the question "why did we work on building everything up to just tear it down again?" When I moved back to the States in July and started going to university after months of different countries and countless decisions that didn't make sense, I slowly started to shut out what the Lord had for me. I was tired of things changing, I just wanted to settle and be in one place for more than 3 months and I wanted my life to be my life. Selfish huh? I just started a routine, Go to school, go to work, repeat. In the midst of all of this I couldn't really figure out who I was anymore. I was becoming exhausted and I lost joy because of the mundane going through the motions attitude. My relationship with the Lord had just become routine. Pray, go to church, occasionally be in the Word, repeat. In mid-October I felt like I was in a pit. I didn't have motivation and I was just "surviving". I had been home for a few months but felt as though I was walking the journey alone. I "knew" that God was with me but I definitely didn't feel the closeness of His presence I had felt in previous seasons. It was at this deepest saddest seasons of my life since finding my relationship with Jesus years ago that I heard His voice for the clearest since almost a year prior. He told me that He was my constant and that in the good things that were to come in my life I needed to know He was the one who brought them to me. Not the decisions I had made and not the tenacity and drive I had to move forward in my career and what I wanted in life. From that moment on I have felt his love deeper than I could have known possible. Since mid-October and that moment of pure weakness at the feet of Jesus I have gained new friendships that have challenged and inspired me to understand and fall in love with Jesus more. I have been blessed with sweet roommates at our new place. I also have gotten jobs that I so need for my finances as well as a possible dream job (I have my second interview next week, so keep me in your prayers). Our human nature is to shy away from pain, keep away from anything that can make us vulnerable and rely on our personal strength to get where we want to be. The reality of this life is that if we do those things we will be left more empty than we can imagine. Even as someone who knows Jesus and the love He has it is so easy to fall into that false reality that we create our destiny and make the life we want for ourselves. My heart continues to ache knowing how easily I can fall into that and how much more so for the people that have never known and experienced the love of our Heavenly Father in their own life can fall into that life. Whether you are someone who like me has known Jesus for a long time or someone who doesn't know where to begin let this be a reassurance that He is always healing and creating new life in every season. The rough patches make way for new life and growth. I hope my experiences can help even one person to know Jesus deeper than I ever can. I'm still getting back on my feet after a whirlwind and challenging year but at least now I know it's Jesus who is moving my legs for me. Cause eventually I knew my legs were gonna give out. photo by :http://ancientromebuildings.tumblr.com/post/63624243125/uncommonjones-baalbek-by-haoma-known-as
Rome is built on ruins and is quite breathtaking; what make you think you can't be too? ------------------------ PS. As a Christian it is easy to look at our world and be SOOOO discouraged and not be able to see God's hand in darkness that is around us. Check out these cool testimonies and let it be an encouragement of what the Lord is doing currently in the world around us. Carry the Love- A campaign to inspire our generation to love like Jesus. http://carrythelove.com instagram: @carrythelove @crmovement Awakening Europe/Awakening Australia Instagram: @awakening_europe https://www.awakeningeurope.com https://www.awakeningaustralia.org John 1:5 (ESV) "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
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This is the day old phrase I find myself repeating as my planning and organised mind consumes the world around me and I'm left with more questions.
This season of my life has been anything but planned. As I solve one question I seem to make 16 more appear and before I know it I'm looking at my checklist of things overwhelmed and frankly about ready to throw in the towel and give up. My days feel wasted as I solve less and less and need answers to more. Where's the productivity in this? I'm preparing for a move to the other side of the world and as people ask me how it's going and what I am going to be doing and what it will look like I realise I don't have the answers people want, I don't even have the answers I feel I need. I spend my days researching and leave more confused knowing so little of what the next few years of my life will look like. It's scary. My entire being wants to run away. This is too hard, (which is all of adulthood if I'm being honest). My bank account is dwindling and my needs seem to be rising. I'm consumed in the little reminders of how little I have life together right now. My mind is filled with chaos and the white noise that seems to drown out everything. And then God says "Maybe this is where I want you." Total reliance on God is something that I say I want. Then I realise it's a mixed feeling between drowning and floating on clouds which balances out somewhere in the middle of half the time screaming at my pillow that life is too hard or just being tired from not knowing what's going on. Not something I would really wish on anyone but a necessity we must experience in our lifetimes. And honestly, the more we live in it the easier it gets. Just like practice brings progress the same goes to reliance and trust in God's faithfulness. I could run away, but there is one thing I know to be true.. Even a "no" from God has His goodness written all over it. So if He isn't giving me the answers right now..... so be it. Have you ever messed up? Okay okay, I know this is probably such a pointless question to ask you because... well duh. We're all sinners, we all mess up and we all have our issues.
No, this isn't a blog post about all of the problems we as humans have. It's not a blog post about what we can do to fix all of our issues (although I do wish it was as easy as 1,2,3). This my friends, is a blog post about our own view of God when we mess up. "Strike number three, I'm sorry. I can't love you anymore. I'm done with your mistakes'." Now, that might sound kind of harsh. Maybe not all of us think that God responds in this way when we mess up. You would be surprised though how many of us to some extent think that is true for our own lives when we mess up. Even if it's not to the extremity and harshness I used. We look at the version of Old Testament God. A God of rules and regulations, a God who has consequences. But we likely miss out on the New Testament version. A God who despite our mistakes wants to have a real relationship with us. Something that has always been true but one that can now be personal because the veil has been torn and we don't have to go through some protocol to connect or talk to Him. We know God is love. So why can't we look at the verses in the bible and read them as TRUTH. (it (love) keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5) If God is love and love keeps no record of our wrongs then why are we keeping tally marks? Like I said, we are all sinners, we all mess up and we definitely all have our issues. But what we can't forget is God is NOT keeping track. He isn't keeping a list of tally marks to condemn and disown us if our limit reaches too high. He loves us despite our wrong doings. There may be consequences but His love is limitless. It reaches past the consequences to stand beside us as we receive them. Next time you think that you've messed it up too bad to receive love or forgiveness remember this... He fights for you, He always have and always will. He always loves and He always will. He always stands by you even in your darkness just as much as the light. His truth reigns above all else....(love keeps no record of wrongs). So next time you think God is up there keeping His list of tally marks.. well He isn't. I've lived overseas for almost all of my adult life. Most of that has been in Brisbane, Australia. On Monday I left that place that I considered to be home the most to move on to something brand new. It hurt, my heart hurts.
I think one of the biggest lies we can buy into in Christianity is that when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour that everything is going to be great all of the time. Life will get better, it will get easier and we will be just cruising through life with Jesus. That is so not true. I have had my fair share of tear stained pillow moments over the past few years. Whether it's crying out to God that I need help with my family, or fighting with Him over His purposes and plans for me (which most of the time and complete opposite of what I want), or leaving a place I call home to move into a new season and a new home. The real point I am getting at is this love. This love that we as humans try our best to describe and feel but unless you are Jesus you don't have it all figured out. This love that is so immense that it hurts to leave it, God gave me a capacity to love that was greater than I ever thought possible when I asked Him if I could have His heart a few years back. His love is so rich and pure and wild and reckless. His love has given me the ability to sit with people at all hours of the day and listen as they talk about their struggles and just feel the love God has for them, But when you have to leave those people God has given you love for, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and scattered in pieces on the floor. (Sorry for the visuals!) There is always more to be filled. It doesn't feel empty for long because His love is endless. But can I just say I've thought a lot about what it felt like when Jesus hung on that cross and He did it out of love. This love I am feeling is far lesser than the love Jesus felt and here I am leaving people and places I love and feeling heartbroken. How much more did Jesus feel as humanity turned it's back on a God who loved them? If I have to suffer this heartbreak more than a few times in my life doing missions and moving from place to place I render it worth it because how much more to know that people are returning to the Love that loved them first. Returning to a God who has spent eternity creating, loving and destining greatness amongst His people and begging and fighting for them to return home into His loving arms. I miss my Brisbane home. I miss the people that challenged me, that picked me up and dusted me off when I felt I didn't have more to give. The people who allowed the Holy Spirit to lead them as they had conversations with me and countless others. I lived with a group of world changers that my heart misses more than anything. One thing I know though, the love that I have in my heart for all of those people, the love that I can feel guilty of walking away from when God calls me elsewhere is with them, but in it's fullness. Because when I never have enough capacity to love everyone with Jesus' heart, He does. And that's what He is doing right now. Over 2 years ago I looked at my life and the picture I saw was not what I wanted to see. I stood in the ocean and looked down at my feet and saw the waves coming. They took me out and I tumbled over and over, I lost my balance and every time I tried to stand back up I found myself right where I started. Drenched and choking up salt water. Exaggeration you may think? Yes, in "life" I was doing fine. I had just made it to Australia to start a 6 month mission stint, I had the finances I needed, I had friends and family who cared. Spiritually though, I was a mess. I was exactly what that picture described. Getting nowhere, and every time I tried I would get knocked down again. My relationship with the Lord was not even close to where I wanted it to be. I didn't trust in His plans, or see a future or believe that He had good things to give. Someone very soon after prophesied that my life would begin to change and I would find myself beginning to stand in the midst of the waves that seemed to be taking me down. Did I believe it? No, not really. That prophesy at many times seemed so far away in the years that have followed. At times I felt it drawing nearer, and then the feeling would dissapear. Some point in the middle of the journey though, I looked up just long enough to see that I had drifted out farther away from the shore. Instead of that drowning feeling that I had felt so many times before was gone. There was just current surging beneath me that couldn't hurt me, instead it gave me power. You see, I tend to look at things to practically. I thought I just needed to get out of the waves to be able to stand. I thought I just needed to get stronger so I could brace myself when they came. Never did I think I should go deeper, farther out, find bigger things to trust God with, find more ways to belive that He has a future and good things to give to me, To me, figuring it out on my own seemed to be the answer. (To save you a little time, it's really just easier to trust God from the beginning) I look back on 2016 and I see so many things I was challenged with. Yet I also can say it was one of the best years of my life. Somehow God has given me the strength to go farther out into the sea of His love, where at first glance it might seem overwhelming but then come to realise it is the safest place I can be. I choose to enter into the year of 2017 riding that wave. Trusting in His goodness, His steadfast character and His incredible plans that believe it or not are better than our dreams. He has something in 2017 for me that He started way back when. So c'mon. Won't you ride the wave with me? Photo By: http://www.leblogdelamechante.fr/blog-mode/house-greyjoy/
Change. As a missionary it's something I'm pretty familar with. It may come every few weeks, months or years. But eventually it will come, and it will not be a suprise.
Tonight I leave Coffs Harbour to return to Brisbane after spending 2 weeks here helping with a local church and serving in the community. To say I've been blessed is an understatement. When I reflect at the end of a ministry time I get to see more of a perspective than I might see in the moment. I look at these two weeks and see families/staff of the church who have given countless hours of their days to serve their community, babies that I've fallen in love with (yes, it doesn't take much), kids who are so hungry for God, a children's pastor who just wants to hang out and show us around because she loves people. I see a reflection of our God's character and atmosphere inside each one of these people. Leaving a place and the people there that have so tremendously blessed you is never easy. I could stay and gain so much wisdom and insight and growth from these pastors. They are so encouraging. Without saying anything the way they carry themselves and bring community has taught me more and given me more of a passion for doing the same in my ministry. So what is it that makes this place and these people so great? Yes, it's them as individuals and the location. Most importantly though, it's the presence of God that dwells inside us. It pushes us to make those connections because there is something beneficial in it for both parties. So yes, I'm sad to leave this place. But when I really think about it, I'm excited at the reminder that God's presence is the same everywhere I go. As I walked down the jetty in a small costal town in Australia I was hit with one rather large question for my mind to consume. This is outreach? Some of my friends were on their way to India, Indonesia and the Philipines and I am in a beach town.
Don't get me wrong, if given the choice I would always choose to stay in Australia. I've always felt a calling to western nations but in the back of my mind I know there was this lingering thought...am I less important, effective, relevant, etc. if I stay here? For a lot of us when we think missions we think roughing it. No electricity, barely any running water, stepping outside into this hot uncomfortable humidity and sweating more than we would care to admit. Maybe there is even some persecution for our beliefs in the nation we are going to, a language barrier included. But this? I looked over the railing of the jetty to crystal blue water, glanced to my right and saw the shoreline drift around the corner off into the horizon. I looked around to see people that speak my own language and don't give too much thought to the fact that I am standing on a jetty worshiping Jesus and...well you get it, I am in paradise. So the question is am I less relevant, important and so on here in a small costal town than I would be in a third-world nation where persecution may or may not be present for my beliefs? The answer to that question is no. Here's why. A while back I heard someone speak on this verse and it made me think a little more of what missions looks like. Acts 1: 8 "But you will recieve power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." This scripture talks about being witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria. Not just one place, like the one that seems the most mission like, but all places. It's so easy to get into the mindset that missions has to be hard, it has to be giving up what you want. Sometimes it is, yes. God asks us to lay down ourselves and follow Him. But does that always mean missions has to be hard? I'm learning it's as much as a lifestyle as we choose to make it. It means it doesn't have to change when I move from western culture to non-western culture. It doesn't have to change when I speak the language versus when I don't. It doesn't have to change when I'm staring out at the ocean as I'm chatting with someone or inside a refugee camp. Yes one is harder and the other easier. But who says that both can't be who God is? God loves all people in all places. He has something for all people in all moments. He is waiting for His children to come home. What if we get to be the carrier of that good news regardless of the place we are in. That is missions. So are we relevant? I think so. "You know you've forgotten your first love when you are more excited about what God is doing in you and through you instead of who God is to you." - Josh Cole
First, stop and let that sink in. Do you ever get so wrapped up in what God is doing in you or what you can do for Him that you get forget why you are doing it in the first place? I do this ALL THE TIME. God speaks a word to me or brings a conformation and I am all of the sudden filled with this need to do something in order to make that word happen. If God says "Sarah, go live in Africa for 10 years and run an orphanage" I can already see myself getting so caught up in all the details. "Okay God in order to make that happen I need to come up with this amount of money. I need to train myself to teach children better, I need to..." you fill in the blank. I think it's so important to take the things that God tells us seriously, and to walk out in obedience if He calls us into something. But how often in our search to be obedient do we forget to take God with us and actually just start to do those things out of our own strength and strategy? I would say it's a pretty high percentage of the time. If God spoke that word over us, shouldn't we believe enough of His character that He would also give the next step? That He would have strategy in how to raise money, in how to work with children, etc. Why in our pursuit to be obedient do we end up leaving God hanging? We lose the fact that it was HIS word to US and not just ours to fulfill and make happen.. If He gives us a promise it isn't our job to fulfill that. We need to stop forgetting who He is just to fulfill the promise He spoke over us. That will come in time because we know He is faithful. What we need to do is start remembering who He is to us and that He is the first one we fell in love with. If we do this, if we remember who He is to us. Why we love Him, Why we trust Him. Why He is good. If we focus on His character it is then that we will always remember our first love. Genesis 1:3 "Then God said, "Let there be light," and there was light." God spoke the world into existence. He didn't craft it with his hands, he didn't imagine it and then it happened. He said "Let there be light," and there was light." He spoke. I've lived most of my life being confident in my identity. I know who I am and am not afraid of living the way I want to live and doing the things I love. When it has come to speaking my mind in front of others and disagreeing or even just voicing what's going on in my head that's when I go quiet. It's not comfortable to me. I am an internal processor until given the opportunity to just share my thoughts one on one with someone. I like to be comfortable. I don't think there is anything wrong in being comfortable until it gets in the way of what God wants to do. That's when being comfortable needs to stop and where being obedient needs to start. 2 months ago I asked God what He wanted me to learn in this season. He said, "I want you to use your words in a powerful way, to bring influence, to speak against lies of the enemy, to proclaim My truths." So that's what I am doing.I've stumbled over my words WAY more in the last few months that I probably ever had in my life. I'm learning to let go of perfectionism and just speak even if I haven't completed my thoughts. It means a lot of things haven't made very much sense. But I am being obedient. Doing something uncomfortable is hard but being obedient I've found is always worth it. My words might seem jumbled for a season and my thoughts all mixed up. But I am speaking truths, breaking down lies, bringing influence one word at a time. For me the lesson is speak up, you never know who could be listening or what influence it can be. For you it could be something else. If nothing else, be obedient to the lesson God is trying to teach you. Photo via: http://www.f2studio.es/sesion-de-pareja/sesion-de-pareja-en-usa.html
"And then something happened. In one moment everything changed." I realised this week that a lot of big changes in our life happen because of moments. A pause in time where we make a decision,our belief changes or many other different cases arise. But because of that pause, that moment, our life alters it's course. I've recently started staffing a new Discipleship Training School with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) Brisbane. We spent the past weekend sharing our stories with one another. In every single story there came a moment in our lives where a choice was needed to be made and we realised that we wanted to live for Jesus. For me that happened when I was 16. I knew God before then but I didn't know how He could change things, how He could make me whole. One day at a youth camp in a single moment I knew that I wanted to make the choice for Jesus no matter the cost. That moment changed things, it altered my course. The same thing happened the day I decided to do missions. I was tired of living a purposeless life where I didn't know what I was doing or where I was headed. I knew God had a purpose in me doing missions so I chose Him in that moment and now I live in Australia. Life altering moment. These moments in our life can be big or they can be small. The best life altering moments you can choose are living for the Lord. My encouragement for you would be to take these moments as they come. Let them change you and alter your course. The choice is yours. Cause what is life without a little adventure and a whole lot of Jesus? photo via: http://whatalovelythought.tumblr.com/post/54047616534
I love the fact that a relationship with the Lord is not this boring journey of knowing everything about Him to start with and then not learning anything new. The exciting thing about a relationship with God is the discovery of His character. I got a new revelation last week on grace. Growing up in church and now being a missionary for the past few years you hear a lot about grace. I grew up with the logical understanding of grace. The kind where God loves us despite of our mess ups and he forgives us and gives us grace to try again. He allows us to make mistakes yet He still trusts us. This is all true but to me this was all head knowledge. It almost went in one ear and out the other. Sure, Jesus gives me grace, sure He keeps trusting me because that is who God is. He undeservingly continues to love me in the midst of my sin. But I didn't believe it in my spirit yet. Just in my head. Last week I was leading a worship and intercession time with my leadership class. I'm an over analyser and as I was talking I was criticising myself. "Oh you're talking too fast. Why did you say that? You could have said it a better way." Typical me, thinking I could do it differently and it could come out better, and maybe it would have. But then all of a sudden during that questioning and critiquing the Lord spoke. "There is grace for that." Well sure, "I know that." I thought back. But then all of the sudden I grabbed onto that and then it was like my spirit just understood it. The stress, the over analytical side, the in control part of me let go. It was like something just aligned. It was this freedom that just covered everything. Sure I could still plan but it was about living in the moment. It was about the fact that even if I mess up Jesus still loves me and trusts me because He chooses to do things with me. It's undeserved yet God gives it to us despite our mistakes. That's real love. Sure this was all things I knew before but I finally understood it in my spirit. Sometimes it just takes awhile to get from head knowledge to heart knowledge. It goes to show that even if we grow up Christian and know the right things to say and to do a LOT of the time we don't have it figured out. It's about living in relationship with God to discover his character. Life is so much more stressful now. So trust me when I say discovering God is worth it. Photo via :http://muttonheadstore.tumblr.com
When I search #liveauthentic what follows is hundreds of posts of vacation destinations, pristine lakes, huge mountains and many photos of model friends or model families come up. Now I love to look at these photos as much as anyone, they're beautiful. But I want to argue the fact that they aren't really showing off the true meaning of authenticity. Because if they were truly authentic would they be all over the internet?
authentic (a.) an undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine. I think the problem that exists today is we are so wrapped up in everyone else's seemingly "authentic" life that we forget how to live for ourselves. We check places like Pinterest and Instagram on a daily basis to find the perfect outfits, perfect families, perfect life. But is it really perfect? It seems pretty staged to me. Put there for us to find it and repin/repost for the next person to find and think we have the perfect outfit, perfect family and perfect life... and so continues the process. I think what we need to do is get our focus back to our own life. We need to find our purpose and not just survive in the place where we are, but truly live in it. When we get our focus off of others in their "perfect" life then we realise instead of fantasizing what life could be, we can truly enjoy and live our own life. God created us to live authentic and if we have Him then we truly have it all. You can be assured that if you are walking with your gaze focused on Him and moving when He says go and stopping when He says stop then you are living the way He created you to live. Let's find our own authentic life instead of trying to live everyone else's. Are you with me? There is one thing that I might consider to be the biggest thing I struggle with. I have for many years and still do to this day. That struggle is the fear of being forgotten or not valued. Broken relationship over the years have only added to this fear. The first time I remember it was when my dad left. I remember the fighting for some time but I still remember the exact moment that he moved out for good. I was sitting a the piano in my living room practicing for my mom and then the yelling started as he was coming down the stairs with his bags, and then he was gone. It's incredible how 16 years later I still remember that day as clear as if it were yesterday. A few years later when I was old enough to fully understand the weight of being adopted I felt the pain again, my birth parents didn't want me, they left me. Now obviously I still don't feel the pain from those moments. Otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to write about them. I forgave those people a few years back now and the Lord filled those empty spots with so much love. The struggle now though is this wound. This deep wound of hurt, of important people leaving. The littlest things trigger it. Having a group of friends do something together, but not getting invited (a lot of times because they didn't think I would be interested). Or not getting many messages or phone calls from people unless I message them first. It's so little, except so big to me. I fight it, I remind myself that this is all in my head. Just the devil's ploy to get me to feel sorry for myself. To get me to worry and stress over whether or not I have done something wrong or am not worth valuing. Something has to change though. I'm writing this from a place of not having it figured out at all. I have actually been struggling to write this blog for a week but I know that God is pushing me to be vulnerable and share even though I don't really have the answer yet. I know that God values me so much. The proof of that value was sending Jesus to the cross on behalf of me so I could truly live out the life He has for me today and live with Him forever. So my promise to you is this. I will wake up every day and remind myself that God values me regardless of whether I feel loved or forgotten about that day. Because it's not about how I feel, but the proof that God loves me. He knows I am still here. Photo from: http://darlingmagazine.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/sitting-in-tree.jpg
chaos (n.) complete disorder and confusion This word has come to mind more often in the last few months than I would care to admit. I look at our world some days and think, "How has it come to this?" With attacks (whether terrorist or not) happening all around us on a weekly basis it can look as if all hope is lost. A couple of mornings ago I was reading about the latest terrorist attack in Nice, France. For me personally I have always viewed places in Europe as exotic and beautiful and safe and relaxing. A place to go and almost escape the real world. In the last few months though, it seems as though the "real world", full of destruction and pain is more real in Europe than any other place. With attacks in Paris, Brussels, and now Nice in a number of months some of the places that seem the most exotic and known as tourist destinations are now plagued by fear and hopelessness. When people now think of going to Europe, at the forefront of their mind is will they be safe? In the past month I have been putting a lot of time aside to learn to rest in the Lord. Now do you know what I feel instead of this chaos? This fear that is eating people up when they think about traveling and ISIS and just danger in general? I feel calm. I feel peace. The answer to all of our worries, all of our fear and all of the mess that seems to be swallowing the world is Jesus. It's leaning into Him and trusting Him in the midst of the mess. Just remember, you are a child of the king who is not moved by the world, for your God is with you and goes before you and you do not need to fear because you are His. Rest in His peace, because in that peace you are safe and have hope. - - - Please continue to pray for Paris, Brussels, Nice and the many other places and people around the world who are hurting due to terrorist attacks and violence. In Prince Caspian, part of C.S. Lewis's Narnia Chronicles there is an excerpt that I want to share with you. A circle of grass, smooth as a lawn, met her eyes, with dark trees dancing all round it. And then-oh joy! For he was there: a huge Lion, shining white in the moonlight, with his huge black shadow underneath him. But for the movement of his tail he might have been a stone lion, but Lucy never thought of that. She never stopped to think whether he was a friendly lion or not. She rushed to him. She felt her heart would burst if she lost a moment. And the next thing she knew was that she was kissing him and putting her arms as far round his neck as she could and burying her face in the beautiful rich silkiness of his mane. "Aslan, Aslan. Dear Aslan," sobbed Lucy. "At last." The great beast rolled over on his side so that Lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. He bent forward and touched her nose with his tongue. His warm breath came all round her. She gazed up into the large wise face. "Welcome, child." he said. "Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger." "That is because you are older, little one," answered he. "Not because you are?" "I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger." It's interesting that as we grow and discover who God is we will find Him bigger. In the book I am reading (The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan) it says that this passage from Prince Caspian is the perfect description of those who train themselves in God's sovereignty: every year you grow, you find him bigger. The best way to embody and focus on training ourselves in God's sovereignty is thankfulness. When we choose to move in thankfulness we find that our troubles seem so much smaller and insignificant because we find that we can focus completely on God. When we put our eyes entirely on the God who holds the universe in His hands then there is no other problem that can seem too big. The book also says, we must practice through thankfulness the presence of God until we are utterly convinced of His goodness and sovereignty and then we can find our rest in Him alone. I truly believe that if we focus entirely on Him with thankfulness BEFORE we go to Him and say "hey there is this issue I need you to resolve for me", then we'll realise it wasn't as big an issue as we thought. Photo from: http://weheartit.com/entry/83464858
photo by: http://tragichours.tumblr.com/post/45597491070 A year ago I titled my website "Set Apart With a Purpose". I asked the Lord for a phrase that He wanted me to focus on when it came to what He was teaching me and what my ministry to others could be. What He told me was that He had a purpose set apart specifically for me that looked unlike anyone else's purpose. And then He told me that He has done this for every person on this planet. I knew what the words meant but I must say I was very far off from believing that those words were true in my life.
This past week I have been challenged by the Lord to not just "know" these things that He is saying to me but to have the "belief or the faith" to walk into them. See I believe that in order to keep moving forward it requires us to jump, to leap into the unknown. Because what is growth without some challenges? So if I know that the Lord has told me "you are set apart with a purpose" then I need to be asking Him what the purpose is and walking into it. We can't just sit in a place of knowing but not being willing to do. This doesn't just apply to me either. When I first received these words from the Lord he encouraged me that EVERYONE is set apart. That as much as I needed to understand what these words meant for me, I was called to help others better understand what these words meant for them. I believe that we need to lead by example. So this is me saying, I'm taking the steps to figure this out. I am letting the Lord tell me my purpose step by step. To call out the things in myself that I am set apart for. I want to challenge you all to do the same. If the Lord has recently spoken to you about something that He is calling you into, I challenge you to take that step in faith. If you haven't heard the Lord speak but feel like there should be something more, then I challenge you to sit with Him and ask Him where you can be set apart. Then actually do it! Step out in faith when He speaks to you. Be confident that I am doing the same. We are all in this together. And we are ALL set apart with a purpose. “It’s too hard. I’m not good at it. Why me? Why now?” I’m sure these words have gone through your mind a time or two. I want to tell you a story about a time I had these thoughts, and the power that came from taking the next step. In August of 2015 I tore a ligament in my knee. Not serious enough to need surgery, but serious enough to need to take it easy for 6 months before I did anything too strenuous. My doctor told me these things never fully heal. My knee would begin to feel better but eventually if I worked it too hard I could hurt it again. I hated it, I complained and I had a bad attitude. There were plenty of things to do that included needing the ability for my knee to be at it’s full capacity. I was staffing a school and into it I went with excuses. Excuses of "Well it’s not going to get better so why try? mixed with excuses of "If it's never going to get better anyways I will do what I love now and let it get worse later in life." Neither one is the healthy answer. What I don’t want to tell you is to not trust your doctors advise. They are very skilled in their fields and we should listen to them. But something inside of me was screaming why will my knee never be completely better when God is calling me to staff a school where I need to backpack and walk more than I ever have before? I did it, I would go on hikes. I would walk miles and miles a day with a knee brace on, not truly enjoying it because of the pain I was in. Half heartedly I went through this phase because I thought, God can heal this, if He is calling me to it then of course he will heal it, but the other half wearing my brace believeing my doctors words. “it will never fully heal.” Inside I was angry, isolated, trying to believe that God was healing me, while on the outside putting on a pretty face and saying “God’s got this.” It’ll all be okay. A few weeks into the DTS I was asked to lead a team to Peru and that our hike would be the Inca Trail. There is so much hype around that trail and I didn’t want to miss out if my knee was bad. So again the excuses came, I can do it because I am strong enough. Or I shouldn’t do it because I could risk hurting it more. I worried about it constantly even when I wouldn’t let on. I asked everyone I could think of for advice. I did this because I didn’t want to ask God for fear he would say no. The advice they gave me was the same “Ask God”. I did eventually, it was my last resort. God said “Do it, trust me. I want to heal your knee. You’ve made every excuse, you’ve doubted that I would heal even when I said I would.“ I signed up for the Inca Trail. The night before came. We went to pay the last of the deposit, the excuses came. My knee still hurt. I thought of backing out, of giving up, thinking God hasn’t healed it yet, he’s really just going to heal it tomorrow? I went, I actually still went the next day because I wanted to. I thought I was going for God but looking back I wasn't. And my knee hurt . Just a few minutes into the hike I was saying to myself “Why did I do this?” Then a voice came, it was God saying “I’m the only one you have left to trust. Do you want to take the step? Trust that if you do I will bring healing.” I gave up, I said yes. The only one I had left to get me through was Jesus. To this day my knee is still healed. I took the step (metaphorically and literally speaking). I trusted God. He did what He promised. Now I look back and think. Why did I go through all the trouble. Why didn’t I just trust Him first. He was teaching me a lesson to depend on him when I couldn’t see or feel the answer. That is what faith is. Do you see the power in it? When we trust and depend on God and God alone that's when it happens. That's when it's powerful. It changes us and changes others. Most of the time we will never see or feel the answer when God is asking us to trust Him. We will never know the full picture. When we do though, it's more beautiful and breathtaking than we could imagine. So take the step. Let God change you. 18|05|16 This morning I was chatting with the director of our YWAM Brisbane base. We started with talking about life and growth and support and future plans and ended on thankfulness. thankful (a.) feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative. It's beautiful that at this point in my life when discussing nearly anything I can come to the conclusion of being thankful. Thankful for friends that live in nearly 20 countries around the world. Thankful that I have found "home" anywhere I have gone. Thankful for the ability to connect and relate with others. The ability to have an eye for beauty. Thankful for different food and languages, some of which I have had the privilege of trying, Thankful that I have breath every morning. All of my supporters financially and in prayer. Thankful for the freedom I have found in my relationship with the Lord. I could easily keep going. The list will keep growing as days pass. Sometimes I won't feel it as immensely as I do other days. Some days will leave me breathless when I feel as though I should say thank you to everyone who walks past me. Regardless of the feeling I will keep living in thankfulness. It leaves me confident that I am living life to the fullest. photo via pinterest @ trendymood.com
I'm sitting here in the cafe on the base where I live. I know I need to write one of these blogs. It's been awhile. But all that swirls around in my head are the busy thoughts of a busy mind. I've journaled (for the first time in years, i might add) my thoughts, my dreams, every little piece of my mind and yet I can't seem to stop filling pages upon pages. I don't think it's a bad thing. Quite the opposite actually. It's causing me to broaden my perspective on the world around me, to not just take things as people say them but to think and ponder it myself for awhile. It's changing me. It's causing me to read lots of books and articles, to talk to anyone that crosses my path. Not just "talk" but to discuss the deeper questions in life, to have real conversations. It's causing me to not just accept my life the way it is, but to dream and to allow others to dream. And that is where I am, I'm dreaming. Creating vision. It's exhausting and incredible at the same time. When I start to let the possibilities about where God can take me, or the gifts He has given me to take me there, all of the sudden it seems like there is endless possibilities. One more step, one more idea, one more thing to work towards. It's breathtaking. The little things and the small things both stand out to me now. One day I literally just wrote the little things I am thankful for down in my journal and the list surprised me. Here is an excerpt "Today I am thankful. Thankful for long weekends, for sunshine and rain, for a healthy body, for friends and family and an adventurous life. I'm thankful for joy, sadness, craziness and laughter. I'm thankful that right now I am sitting with the aroma of candles in the air, cocoa butter lotion on my skin, a journal in hand and chamomile/lemon tea to sip." So those things might not be the same things that you are thankful for. But I don't think I've ever just sat and let myself think about those things. I've never realised how incredible the little things in life are. Instead I worried over the fact that I didn't know how to get all the "big" things of my life in control. A busy mind before meant I had a list of things to get done and I couldn't stop until I had completed them, my mind worried and got caught up in the task of just getting everything done so I could do something else. But then that would turn into a vicious cycle and I would never truly feel like anything was "done". I would just feel like things were never finished. Today my mind is "busier" than ever before. It's not bad though, it means dreaming and making visions, and setting goals. But not ones that tie me down. Ones that set me free. There is freedom. Ahh that word, I never got it before. I never got that letting go and just being spontaneous and daring and dreaming and jumping and letting God take control was freedom. To me it seemed just like letting someone else call the shots. To let someone else make decisions and only have a little bit of say in the matter. But I am realising that every day when my mind is busy and filled with thoughts, it's not a thing that chains me down anymore. It sets me free. So today, I don't "know" any more about my future than I did yesterday. I still have a list of things to accomplish. But instead of that being a weight, it's freedom. It means the list will still be there tomorrow if I can't carry it all today. It means I won't ever really "know" my future but God knows it. So today I will keep on dreaming and growing and living wild because God has shown me what freedom means. photo from @gabriellassaf on vsco.com
6 months ago I wrote these words. It was a letter to my Father. The God who has changed my life. And this is what it said,
Dear God, Okay, so I wrote one of these about a year ago. You changed my life. All of my prayers and deepest desires were answered and I met you in a place of deeper intimacy. I saw that you loved me and I recognised that you have been faithful to me since the beginning. God I want you. I want to have a deeper hunger and things for who you are inside of me. You have a detailed plan for my life. I want vision, I want to know the next step. I want to see my brother come face to face with His father, YOU! I want to see his life changed because I have seen you change mine when I was hopeless. You can do that, and I with faith believe that you can. I want to hear you speak every day. I want to use what you say to change this world for you and bring your kingdom to earth. Because I KNOW that when heaven touches earth, the earth and worldly things cannot quench it. I WANT to have an impact. I want my knee to be fully healed and restored and I believe that you can do that. God build my faith, allow me to trust you not only in the things I've seen you work and move in but also in the things I've never seen you do before. But I BELIEVE you can do those things too! God you rescued me and brought me out of darkness and into light. I praise you for what you have already done and will continue to do. Make me whole. Whole in YOU. I trust you. I believe in you. I have faith in you. I love you. Now I know it might be a little weird to be posting what I wrote to God and what was personal to me at the time. But I really feel like this blog is supposed to share what God is doing in my life and I believe He is also taking me on a journey of vulnerability. That was 6 months ago. This DTS now graduates in 2 days and all the students will go off to their parts of the world again. So much changes in 6 months. Now only in the physical of life but also in our hearts. I took some time this week to debrief all that has happened. All that God has done in these 6 months and I want to share that with you. So here we go. This has probably been one of the toughest seasons I have had to go through in terms of growing spiritually in my relationship with God. There have been trials and times where I have had to choose to trust God when I felt like it wasn't even possible. He has challenged me in leadership and there have been times when I have felt so unworthy of the position He has put me in. Although I am reminded of that phrase that kinda goes like "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." That has been my source of hope in this season where most of the time I feel like I don't know what the heck is going on or what I'm doing. I just spent the last 2 months leading a team of 6 to Lima, Cusco and Arequipa Peru. It was a country I had never set foot in with a language that I only partly knew and a group of students who were older than me and honestly had more experience than me in a lot of what I was doing. But God called ME. Which really confused me and honestly still confuses me to this day. So every day of those 2 months I would wake up and have to ask God to give me faith to trust that He knew what He was doing. It was tough. Every moment. Every question that was asked and every comment that was made challenged me to wonder if I really knew what I was doing. And most of the time I really didn't. But God placed me there for a reason. Our team's contacts that were in Peru were this wonderful couple called Jordan and Joy. Joy was truly the most encouraging women with so much trust in people that I could ever imagine. She has a genuine heart to see leaders raised up and our conversations about life and what God was doing and where He was taking us was so encouraging to me. God is continuing to take me on this journey of a very rough season but I am thankful for what it is teaching me and where it will eventually lead me. Thank you for your prayers along the way. I am so thankful for all of you who support me. Were now 6 weeks into the DTS I am staffing. I am daily being blown away and encouraged by the way that God is revealing Himself to the students on our school.. My passion in life has always been to encourage people and see people grow and its incredibly honouring when you get to do the thing you are passionate about every single day of your life. My heart leaps for joy when I think of what is to come and everything God is going to do in our lives.
One night this past week as I was worshiping and just sitting in God's presence I began to ask Him the question "Why?". "Why do you want to do this with us?". Lately I have been feeling unworthy of the trust God has bestowed to me. Not in a condemning or unloving way but where I have just been like "Wow God, I can't believe you trust me, I am not worthy of this trust but thank you for believing in me." As I was pondering this "Why?" question and asking God for His reasons behind it I was reminded of the phrase that I have heard plenty of times but never truly understand why God says it. The phrase is "God wants to partner with you." This is such a huge and daunting statement for me. God wants to partner with me? How could this be that the God of the universe, the one who created you and I wants to partner with me? Not in the way of just the huge things we do for God like lead a team across the world to share the gospel but also in the day to day things like sitting in the café talking to the server or going to the shops to pick up some groceries. A lesson that I have been learning recently is dependency. Dependency on others but ultimately dependency on God. For those of you who don't know, I tore a tendon/ligament in my right knee in early July. With an injury like this it is nearly impossible to see full healing in a short period of time, the best thing to do is to stay off of it and let it heal that way. The problem with that is I love being active, I hate just sitting and I am also on a backpacking DTS so were on the trail a good amount of the time. With this being said, I have not seen much healing in it, it is in pain most days and I have to fight sometimes just to walk around all day. Now I know my immeadiate response should be that this sucks and why is this happening to me in this season. Trust me, that is what i feel a lot of the time. In the past few weeks though God has been teaching me something through that pain and what it brings. I have honestly without a doubt (I don't know how, only Jesus) been able to say my knee is a blessing over this past week and half. In the midst of pain and confusion God is teaching me a lesson, a lesson that is vital and shapes a lot of my life. Dependency. I have had to trust those I am involved in ministry with to help carry the load, physically and emotionally. I have had to trust God's ultimate plan and what this is teaching me. I have had to let go of my pride and independency and want to figure things out for myself. I have had to let others take my weight and trust that they do it because they love me not because they are required too. I have had to trust. This journey goes deeper and deeper as the days go by. A huge lesson I have been learning since my journey with God began deepening a year ago has been trust and I recognise that this is not a journey that stops when you've got it all figured out because it doesn't ever get 'all figured out'. This trust is a trust that God will continue to take me deeper into His love and His plan for me. God wants to partner with me. He wants me to take the plans and visions He has for the world out to the world and while doing that He wants me to lean on Him for the support and trust Him for how He will bring those visions into fruition. How incredible is a friend and Father who wants to do everything with us. I want to challenge you all, this isn't just something for me. It isn't that God wants to partner with me because I am a missionary and I travel around to share His good news. No, He wants to partner with everyone because the daily things like raising kids or going to university or whatever you are doing with you life right now are just as important to His plan as what I am doing. You can choose to allow God to walk with you and partner with you wherever you are and I promise that when you do that you will start to see change happen. Don't we all want to chance to change the world? This is your chance, let God take you. There have been a lot of changes lately. Changes in my family, in friends, in preparations in and actually moving out of my home country for 2 years. To say the last my mind has been overwhelmed. I'm sure in a lot of ways I hide it really well, and in some I don't. I get frustrated more often, I've found myself questioning God a lot. I wonder how it seems like when one thing is hard, it all seems to become hard. That life becomes a daily struggle to stay in tune with what God has, to stay focused and positive. To believe He has a plan and a purpose.
As you all know, I arrived in Brisbane, Australia exactly 3 weeks ago now. It has been a crazy 3 weeks. Full of training classes (first aid, and training and assessment), settling in to a new role and just overall getting excited about this new adventure that I am embarking on. Something that has really surprised me though, is that I do see God's plan and purpose in me being here. I settled in quickly and felt immediate peace as soon as I stepped onto Australian soil. This is the place God has been preparing me for in this season of life. All the questioning I was doing with God and all the struggles of wanting to fight what God was saying before I got here....vanished. There is SOOO much freedom in going where God calls you, stepping into what He has asked of you. Leaving that old life behind is so hard, don't get me wrong. I still have heartache and a little bit of sadness over leaving family and friends who I love so dearly behind me. But oh my goodness!!! The freedom that is felt when you do take the leap God has called you to take. It makes me overjoyed and excited for what is to come. Such peace is felt in it, because when we step where God is leading me are in HIM! We are in His presence! Most of you who are reading this right now are in different stages in your life. Some are in their teenage or early 20's like me. Some our starting a new life that involves marriage and having kids. Some of you are mothers and fathers that are beginning to see your kids grow up and move out. And maybe some of you have seen that already. But there is encouragement for all of you. NO MATTER, i want you to see that. NO MATTER what age you are, NO MATTER what stage of life you are in, NO MATTER how scared you are. GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU!! God has a plan unlike anyone else's plan. You may have never heard His plan for you, you may have heard it for years and never followed it, or you may have wanted to follow His plan for you but just don't know what the next step is. Well, the next step in all 3 of those places you might be in, is ask. God will speak. He will tell you. Maybe not your whole life plan, maybe its just for tomorrow, or the next month and so on. But He will tell you, and after that ask Him how. He will tell you how. It might be easy for some of you to do what He is asking and it might be hard for others. but there is something that I know for sure... You will find freedom, you will find peace unlike any other peace. You will find love. You will find Jesus, more that you ever knew you could. I hope that brings encouragement. Please don't hesitate to talk to Jesus. He wants to talk and He wants you to hear Him. All you need is a willing heart. If any of you would like prayer for what God is speaking to you. Or prayer for any other reason I want to be able to pray for you. I love you all! I am praying for you all! ~ Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." I arrived back home to the United States a little over 3 weeks ago. It has brought challenges, confusion, worries, and a completely different way of life that surrounds me. One thing that I have been really hearing from God is "trust me". Now that's been easy for me to hear, but harder to actually listen and believe that He's got me.
This is a season of change, as season of development, a season of trust, a season of faith, and a season of grace. I'll elaborate. Since I have arrived back into the United States, God has been speaking the word 'grace' to me a lot. Now the definition of the word 'grace' I am speaking of is this; "the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it". I have been in awe as of late of how much grace God has given me in my lifetime. I haven't been anywhere near a perfect person and I have lost patience in myself plenty of times, but God has never given up on me. I have been reminded by God in this season of my life that He is challenging me to be more like Him. Sometimes I have thoughts of "Why do I even try, I'm trying to love people and show them grace but I keep failing? What's the point? It's not like I will even get close to what God desires me to do and show for Him." But that is a lie. God spoke to me the other day through a sermon I was listening to by Bill Johnson (pastor of Bethel church). Bill said this; "Do we all believe that God is constant? Do we believe that what God says is true? Do we believe that if we think something but God thinks something different that we don't have to change our way of thinking? Then this must be true. God never changes what He is thinking of us. We have the change our thinking to match His." Now I know that God desires me to be like Him.God is challenging me to show grace and love to every person in each and every circumstance. I also know that God would never set me up for failure, I know that if He desires and wants me to be like Him then it must be possible. So why give up? Ever! I have to change my way of thinking to match His. He says I can show grace, because I can desire other people to have it even when they have not earned it. Of course it won't get easier for awhile, it's still a challenge daily. I find myself repenting very often because I have a situation set in front of me to show grace and love and I don't take it. God is teaching me, I am grateful for his teaching, and the love and grace He is showing me through it. He is a wise Father and teacher and knows exactly what is best for me. I choose to believe that during this challenging time, amidst changes, confusion, and plans for the future. God has everything in control. My prayer for all of us this week is this. Please allow God to speak to you, it's not always easy to hear what He has for you, it may be challenging, but it is always worth it. Know this, God will never set you up for failure. He loves you and believe that what He passes on to you that you can achieve it! I previously shared this post of mine on an earlier blog. I would like to share it again. I feel as though this is a good post to start off this new blog and new chapter of my life. This topic has been a stepping stone to lots of doors opening that have caused new words and visions to be spoken over me by God. I pray that as I begin this new journey and chapter you would become encouraged by what the Lord is doing in my life and what He can do in your own. Blessings!
Shared on my previous blog on January 23rd: So some of this might not make sense because God hasn’t revealed all of it to me yet, but here are some of the things He has been teaching me the last 6 weeks. I got a few notes from a couple of the other girls in my Discipleship Training School (DTS). One at the beginning of the outreach and one in the middle of the outreach. They both mentioned a little about comparisons. I have always felt like comparison wasn’t a thing for me because I don’t easily find myself wishing I was like a lot of other people, I never really struggled with that all that much, at least not in the last few years. So I asked God, why comparison? Are you trying to teach me something? I felt God calling me to step out in leadership during my course here in YWAM as well as my outreach but I was so confused as to why comparison was coming up if I felt I was being called to be a leader. Doesn’t that mean their shouldn’t be comparison. Was I failing at being a leader if I had comparison in my life? Here are some of the things God revealed to me when I asked Him this question. “I AM BECAUSE HE IS…” I am a woman who knows who she is. I am God’s daughter. I am strong because God is strong, I am faithful because He is faithful. I am love, because He is LOVE! God was revealing to me IDENTITY. Not about my earthly identity. Not who is Sarah Martinez, but who is Sarah daughter of the KING, daughter of GOD! He was telling me that when it comes to leadership in my life, it doesn’t have to look like the leadership qualities that others have. God has created me with my own unique leadership qualities, He has created me with my own talents, and dreams and aspirations. I can be me, because there is nothing else to be. If I act like someone else than God won’t be able to use me in the ways He wants to use me. And in revealing this to me, He taught me what it meant to rely on the Holy Spirit for different aspects of leadership that scare me, He taught me to fully put my trust in Him when it comes to uncomfortable situations where I don’t have words to say because out of those situations is when God can work the most. He says “Be still and know that I am God.” I don’t have to worry because when I do things in God regardless of whether or not I see fruit I can be assured that what I do in Him will not return empty or fall short. (Isaiah 55:8-13) God also told me that just because I haven’t seen particular things happen through me doesn’t mean I can put limits on what He can and cannot do through me. Because “I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength!. Phil 4:13” Regardless of what I see in life, what I do in life, whether there is joy or bumps and bruises. I don’t care. I’ve seen the Father’s love. From city dwellers to the poorest of the poor. God has lavished His love on each and every one of us because we are called children of God, and that is what we are. (I John 3:1) So in conclusion, I AM a daughter of God. And He has spoken these things over me. I am a risk-taker, an adventurer, a seeker, a lover, a fighter and a leader. God called me out, and I am answering the call. I”M ALL IN. |