This is the day old phrase I find myself repeating as my planning and organised mind consumes the world around me and I'm left with more questions.
This season of my life has been anything but planned. As I solve one question I seem to make 16 more appear and before I know it I'm looking at my checklist of things overwhelmed and frankly about ready to throw in the towel and give up. My days feel wasted as I solve less and less and need answers to more. Where's the productivity in this? I'm preparing for a move to the other side of the world and as people ask me how it's going and what I am going to be doing and what it will look like I realise I don't have the answers people want, I don't even have the answers I feel I need. I spend my days researching and leave more confused knowing so little of what the next few years of my life will look like. It's scary. My entire being wants to run away. This is too hard, (which is all of adulthood if I'm being honest). My bank account is dwindling and my needs seem to be rising. I'm consumed in the little reminders of how little I have life together right now. My mind is filled with chaos and the white noise that seems to drown out everything. And then God says "Maybe this is where I want you." Total reliance on God is something that I say I want. Then I realise it's a mixed feeling between drowning and floating on clouds which balances out somewhere in the middle of half the time screaming at my pillow that life is too hard or just being tired from not knowing what's going on. Not something I would really wish on anyone but a necessity we must experience in our lifetimes. And honestly, the more we live in it the easier it gets. Just like practice brings progress the same goes to reliance and trust in God's faithfulness. I could run away, but there is one thing I know to be true.. Even a "no" from God has His goodness written all over it. So if He isn't giving me the answers right now..... so be it.
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